Jessica's Resolve

By Michel Wolf Ilett

Jessica is leery about going to the party. She does not often go to parties, because she is shy and doesn’t like large groups of people, especially drunk people. Jessica tentatively walks up to the house. She has made a decision and wants to follow through before she changes her mind. Jessica can hear the music as she approaches the front door, and dreads how loud it will be inside. She takes a breath and rings the doorbell. Someone other than Doug whose house it is welcomes her in.

A strange guy asks Jessica if she would like a drink, and without waiting for an answer places a cup of beer in her hand. Jessica thanks him as he walks away without hearing her. She takes a long drink to settle her nerves, and surveys the room. There are about fifty people there crowded into the living room and kitchen. Jessica realizes that her ears have gotten used to the noise, and they are not hurting.

People are drinking, smoking cigarettes and marijuana, and the music makes it hard for her to concentrate on her thoughts. Jessica reminds herself why she is there. She scans the faces of the crowd, most of which belong to strangers, and then she spots him, Michael. Michael is of average height and build with short blonde hair and blue eyes. His nose is a little large making him only attractive instead of hot or cute, but Jessica has realized over the past few weeks that she has fallen for him. Jessica who is quite attractive herself (5’4” with long brown hair and green eyes) has decided that tonight she would confront him.

Jessica watches Michael for a few minutes, building up the nerve to go over to him, and enjoying her anonymity in the crowd. They have been friends for a few months, and Jessica respects and looks up to Michael; but recently she has found herself thinking about him in a more romantic way. As she watches Michael talking to a couple of his friends, Jessica is reminded of what drew her to him. Michael is always kind and considerate to others. He is polite and will do anything for a friend in need, even if it means sacrificing his own desires. He always puts everyone else first, tries to make everyone happy, and he always has something funny to say to lift people’s spirits.

Although Michael is usually laughing, his eyes are sad and haunted. Jessica is sure that most people do not notice this, but she does. Occasionally his beautiful blue eyes shine with happiness; it is these moments that have really captured Jessica’s heart. She wants to make him feel that way all the time.

Michael has been hurt in the past. His fiancée left him a couple years ago with few reasons why except that it had not been working most of the time they were together. She told him that even when it was really good, it was still kind of bad. That being the only relationship that lasted past a month, it had a devastating effect on Michael’s self-esteem. He does not feel he has ever been good enough for anyone.

More recently Michael fell for another woman who strung him along for a few months before telling him she was not interested. She turned to him any time there was nobody else around, but as soon as another man showed up she would walk away with the other man. Michael had to watch her with other men all the while hoping that eventually she would go out with him. She did not. She found a serious boyfriend and Michael was out of the picture permanently.

As she crosses the room, Michael notices her and smiles. Jessica almost trips over her own feet; a smile shouldn’t be able to cloud a mind like that. As she approaches, Michael says, “Jessica, I’m surprised to see you here. I know you don’t like parties.”

“Actually I am here to see you. Is there someplace we can talk without shouting?”

“Is something wrong?” A shadow of concern crosses Michael’s face.

“Do you always expect the worst?”

Laughing Michael says, “When you expect the worst, you’re not surprised when it happens.” Jessica notices that his eyes are not laughing.

“Nothing is wrong, I just want to talk.”

“Okay, come up stairs, Doug won’t mind.”

Finding the first two rooms occupied, Michael and Jessica go into the master bedroom. Jessica is worried about Doug’s parents getting upset about people being in their room, but Michael reassures her that they love him like a second son and won’t mind. Michael sits on the bed and looks at Jessica questioningly. Now that the moment has come, she has lost some of her nerve. Jessica knows it might be difficult convincing him to trust her, because of his past relationships. She sits on the bed and thinks of where to start, or more importantly how to get herself to start. Jessica, calming herself with a deep breath, jumps in.

“We have been friends now for a few months, and you are my best friend.”

“You’re my best friend too.”

“Don’t interrupt, just let me talk. You are my best friend and I love you for it, and I don’t want to lose that, but lately I have been having other thoughts. We spend a lot of time together, but I still want to spend more time with you.”

“Seeing each other every day isn’t enough?” Michael says it with a smile.

“Michael, please! When I look at men, I compare them to you, and they never measure up. When I think of what I will be doing a year or two from now, I think of you. When I am happy, I want to share it with you. When I am sad, you are the first person I call. You are the most important person in my life Michael and I never want to lose you. But, being best friends just doesn’t seem to be enough anymore. I want to wake up in your arms. I want to feel your body wrapped around me. I want to kiss your lips. I want to be your best friend and your girlfriend. I am falling in love with you Michael.” As Jessica looks up into his eyes, she sees the haunted look again.

“I…I can’t Jessica.” Michael looks away.

“So you don’t like me.” Jessica thinks she should have changed her mind as a sharp pain rips through her stomach.

“No, it’s not that. I do like you, very much. I just can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t? Why not?”

“You deserve better.”

“Who the hell are you to tell me what I deserve! Am I supposed to stop liking you because you think I deserve better? What about what I think I deserve?”

“Trust me. I have nothing to offer. I have no money. I don’t have a job or a car. I doubt I could trust you. I am too broken for you to bother trying to fix me. I am nothing.”

“Don’t you ever say that! You are not nothing Michael. You are the sweetest, nicest, most compassionate, most caring, most beautiful person I know, and I am falling in love with you and I can’t stop myself. I need you Michael. I want you. I don’t want anybody else; they don’t compare to you. I would be disappointed with anyone else. Give me a chance…please.”

“You don’t understand Jessica. I can’t trust you. I will never believe that you actually want to be with me. I’ve had women say they want me, but then some other guy comes along and I am all but forgotten. I don’t know if I could even let myself love you. You are better-“

“Don’t even fucking say it or I’ll slap you. I am NOT better off with someone else. I am better off with you Michael. Why can’t you see that? You are the only one I want.”

“Jessica I can’t go through the pain again. I still hurt too much from the last two women in my life.”

Jessica can see the tears in Michael’s eyes, and knows that he is fighting against what he wants because he thinks it is right. He thinks she is better off with someone else, and he is afraid of being hurt again. She will have to be ruthless if she is to win this argument, and she is resolved to win. He will forgive her someday, because he will be better off with her. Jessica knows that she is sexy, and she knows how to use sex as a weapon. She tries one last attempt at words. “I am not going to say that I won’t hurt you. Nobody can make that promise, but I will promise that I will try not to. I promise that I will love you, and I know that you could love me Michael. I need you. Do you want me to sit alone in my room each night crying because I can’t have you? Do you really want to hurt me that much? Why should we both be alone when we both want to be together?”

“You’ll get over me. You’ll find somebody else, and you’ll be happier.”

Jessica realizes that she has no choice. She stands up and moves towards Michael. He gets up and starts backing away until he is up against the door. Jessica presses her body against his and runs her hand down his cheek. “Michael, you are the only one I want. I need you Michael.” She kisses him on the lips, but he does not kiss her back, so she starts to kiss his neck. She feels his breathing start to quicken. “Michael, why are you fighting it. We both want this. Let go.” Jessica again kisses his lips, and this time she feels his lips press back. She knows she almost has him. She makes the final stab. “You always try to make other people happy. Why wont you let me be happy? You always do what everyone else wants. Do it for me Michael. Please…” Jessica runs one hand up Michael’s back to his neck, pulls his head to hers, and gives him the most passionate kiss she can. His hands move up her back and he kisses her just as strongly. He is hers.

There is still a shadow of pain in his eyes, but in time Jessica knows she will make him forget it all.